DIÁLOGO INTER-RELIGIOSO (II)

(sort of)

The Church of Apatheism

"Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing" (H.L. Mencken)

There are four main roots of theology (we'll ignore the various ascetic, moral, dogmatic, etc. branches of theology and stick to the roots): theism, agnosticism, atheism, and apatheism - all of which answer to ideas of the existence of supreme beings. Simply put, theists don't deny, agnostics don't know, atheists don't believe, and apatheists don't care about the existence of gods. Apatheists neither believe in nor deny the existence of gods. They simply aren't interested one way or the other. To Apatheists, the "god question" is profoundly unimportant. Even if there were a blatant, undisputed answer to the question, we would most likely go on living our lives the same ways we already do.

There are several "sects" of Apatheism. There are many NP Apatheists - the Non-Practicing kind, which generally makes sense if you're an Apatheist. Others are Latent Apatheists, meaning they are but don't know it yet. Another common form is Closet Apatheism - pretending to be a member of some religion, but really, deep down, not caring one way or another whether god(s) exist. Evangelical Apatheism, practiced by many members of the Church of Apatheism, attempts to nonchalantly spread the tenets of Apatheistic thought, and to provide intellectual sanctuary to apatheists everywhere.

The apatheist's opinion on sacrifice
is usually "I don't give a sheep"

There is a common misconception that Apatheists don't care about anything. Apatheists might be interested - fascinated even - in all sorts of other questions of life and existence. General apathy is not necessarily an Apatheistic trait, but it admittedly provides a springboard for the "leap of indifference".

The Church of Apatheism occasionally holds a gathering, known as the Gray Mass. Details of the Gray Mass are shady, but there are vague references to a sort of "sacrament" - the ceremonial bubble wrap, which participants pop to proclaim their lack of interest in all-powerful deities.

Apatheistic prayer substitutes the words "amen" and "alleluia" with "whatever" and "so what". A typical prayer of praise goes something like this: "That sunrise is really beautiful this morning. So what". A prayer of request might begin thusly: "The flu is going around; I hope I don't catch it - Whatever".

Why convert to Apatheism?

It's easy! Apatheists don't need to worry about various daily issues such as whether this or that is a sin, what will happen when I die, can I ask God for a Mercedes-Benz, etc. Apatheists enjoy life and find time to come up with their own personal values.

It's natural! Apatheism is so basic, even non-human animals and plants practice it. "Observe how the lilies of the field grow, they do not toil nor do they spin". That's because they do not care, either.

It's honest! Think about it - if most people really believed in the god(s) they pretend to worship, they wouldn't act the ways they do. That's because they aren't really that interested. They're lying to themselves about their beliefs, or hedging their bets in the nearest, most popular religion "just in case". Apatheists, on the other hand, are completely aware that their religion won't do a damn thing for them. (aqui)

(2009)